What About Your Friends?
In this post I want to talk about friends. I once read a quote in the book Acts of Faith by Iyanla Vanzant. It read,
“People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person."
I firmly believe that to be true. Not everyone in your life is meant to stay.
Not going to lie, my current friendship circle is super small. More like an intimate supper versus a banquet. Over the year people have come and gone for a variety of reasons. Some friends I outgrew, others were let go because they were detrimental to my well-being, still others left of their own accord. Some of it has to do with my own growth process.
It’s important to know when a relationship serves you and when it hinders you. That is how I assess my current relationships. When I was younger my friendship criteria were a lot less stringent. My friends ran the gamut, but the main types were Drama Girl, Hater Girl, and Self-Absorbed Girl. Just to be clear these aren't real people just depictions.
Drama girl
Drama girl was the original reality TV show star. Her world was always on the verge of exploding. Before I continue, I'd like to differentiate drama girl from friends who have real life problems situations or profound mental health issues. No judgement there. Sometimes life is messy.
Drama girl is the girl who actively seeks out trouble. She's the one who says slick things out of her mouth and then acts surprised when people push back. She's the one who has no respect for other women and may engage in acts of self-sabotage, but then acts surprised when she experiences the consequences of her actions/choices. She might act confused by people’s responses and may rationalize by saying things like “they just hate on me because they are jealous.”
Hater girl
Hater girl was not nearly as entertaining, but she prided herself on "keeping in real." She saw herself as the authority on all of my faults and felt morally obligated to point them out. She was quick to criticize my choices in clothing, men, and everything else. She was also quick to highlight my failures and shortcomings. Hater girl would argue that she was doing all these things for my betterment, but that was a lie. This was evident by the way she responded to my successes. My victories elicited resentment in Hater Girl. If my life was going well, she was quick to bring up past failings, or disappear altogether.
Self-Absorbed Girl
Self-Absorbed Girl was an emotional vampire. I only ever heard from her when she needed something. Sometimes the need was material (e.g. a car ride or money) other times it was emotional. Let me clarify. There is nothing wrong with reaching out to a friend if you are in need. We all need support at one time or another.
The problem with Self-Absorbed Girl wasn't that she reached out for help, it was that the ONLY time she reached out was when she needed something. The moment she felt better I wouldn't hear from her till the next crisis. She never called to say hello or to see how I was doing. On the rare occasion she accidentally contacted me when I was going through something, she would either cut the conversation short or try to divert the conversation to her current crisis. Self-Absorbed Girl was exhausting and demanding.
Moment of Truth
If I'm totally honest with myself, I've been some variation of all three versions of those girls at some point in my life. I've engaged in self-destructive behaviors. I've been judgmental and mean. I've also had poor boundaries. I struggled with low self-esteem and insecurity just like Drama Girl, Hater Girl, and Self-Absorbed Girl. I realize now my "friends" and I might have all benefitted from working with someone to sort out our emotional baggage.
As I've matured, I feel like I have a better understanding of myself and my choice of friends back then. Each of those friends represented an area of growth.
Drama Girl appealed to my desire to feel like I had my life together. Sure, my life was an emotional car wreck, but hers was a ten-car pile-up. Drama Girl also offered a distraction from my own life challenges, like the fact that my boyfriend was actively cheating on me with Hater Girl, my so-called friend.
Hater Girl represented my deepest insecurities and my low sense of self-worth. Her criticisms resonated with me because I had not yet learned how to value myself. Her words were merely a reflection of how I saw myself.
Self-Absorbed Girl appealed to my desire to feel valued. Sometimes it felt good to be the go-to friend. She was also a reflection of my poor emotional boundaries around my time and energy. I kept throwing her a lifeline even as she dragged me under.
Building a Squad
Putting together a squad requires serious thought. By squad I mean a group of friends that have your back. Friendships can be tricky business, especially when you are a woman of a certain age. At this stage in my life I now recognize my role in engaging in destructive relationship patterns and try to make better choices. It's not an exact science but I try to be more mindful of who I choose to give my emotional energy to. These days I look for three basic qualities in my friends. The qualities are (1) Authenticity (2) Integrity (3) Empathy
Authenticity means you are who you say you are. It's hard to have a relationship with a chameleon. I believe authenticity is super important in close relationships. That's not to say you have to be perfect, you just have to be you. In the words of Dr. Brene Brown, author and research professor, "Just show up. Don't puff up, don't shrink, just stand your sacred ground."
Integrity means you can be trusted. Integrity can make or break a relationship. Integrity does not mean you'll never fall short or disappoint, but it does mean that you value doing the right thing. It means you try to do right by others, and by extension that means you will try to do right by me.
Empathy means you are able to feel with me. Not for me, but with me. The ability to show empathy is a necessary skill for successful loving relationships. Empathy is a skill and like all skills it takes practice.
Dr. Brown does a great job of describing empathy in her 2008 book I Thought it Was Just Me (But It Isn't). Below is her description.
Empathy is:
- To be able to see the world as others see it—This requires putting your own "stuff" aside to see the situation through your loved one's eyes.
- To be nonjudgmental—Judgement of another person's situation discounts the experience and is an attempt to protect ourselves from the pain of the situation.
- To understand another person’s feelings—We have to be in touch with our own feelings in order to understand someone else's. Again, this requires putting your own "stuff" aside to focus on your loved one.
- To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings—Rather than saying, "At least you..." or "It could be worse..." try, "I've been there, and that really hurts," or (to quote an example from Brown) "It sounds like you are in a hard place now. Tell me more about it.”
Here is a video that does a great job of explaining empathy. It's also kind of funny:
Some days it's hard to practice empathy, especially when life and our personal circumstances overwhelm us. Some days we may feel like our empathy bank has seemingly run dry. It happens to the best of us. That doesn't make us horrible human beings. But if you find you no longer have the ability to practice empathy with your friend it may be time to re-evaluate that relationship.
Likewise, if a friendship no longer offers empathy it may be time to ask yourself if you are getting what you need from that relationship. In order to avoid emotional burnout, it's important our relationships have balance. In my next post, Squad Rules, I share my personal squad rules.
Here is a cool video about recognizing toxic friendships:
10 Signs You Have a Toxic Friend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XET6Kdn7qS0
Here is the Acts of Faith quote I referred to above
Reason, Season, or Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
— Unknown
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