Baby It's Cold Outside
“Without 'consent' in any human interactions, there's an ethical violation.”
― Henry Johnson Jr.
At the risk of wading into a loaded discussion, I will be discussing consent using the song "Baby It's Cold Outside" as a reference point. "Baby It's Cold Outside" was originally written in the 40's by a married couple who used to perform it for guests at Christmas time.
Before I get started let me just say I don't hate the song, the writer, or the artists who performed it. For anyone unfamiliar, in the song "Baby It's Cold Outside," the male singer tries to convince the female singer to stay rather than brave the cold and go home. Throughout the song you can her her giving reasons (or excuses depending on your interpretation) for why she can't stay. In its idealized version it is a song sung by two consenting adults engaged in a cat and mouse type conversation. The thing is if you read the lyrics the guys verses veer dangerously into creepy, date-rapey terrain.
Before I get started let me just say I don't hate the song, the writer, or the artists who performed it. For anyone unfamiliar, in the song "Baby It's Cold Outside," the male singer tries to convince the female singer to stay rather than brave the cold and go home. Throughout the song you can her her giving reasons (or excuses depending on your interpretation) for why she can't stay. In its idealized version it is a song sung by two consenting adults engaged in a cat and mouse type conversation. The thing is if you read the lyrics the guys verses veer dangerously into creepy, date-rapey terrain.
Below are some examples. The man's part is in the parenthesis:
So really, I'd better scurry (beautiful please don't hurry)
But maybe just a half a drink more (put some records on while I pour)
The neighbors might think (baby, it's bad out there)
Say what's in this drink? (no cabs to be had out there)
I ought to say, no, no, no sir (mind if I move in closer?)
At least I'm gonna say that I tried (what's the sense in hurtin' my pride?)
I simply must go (but baby, it's cold outside)
The answer is no (but baby, it's cold outside)
You've really been grand (I thrill when you touch my hand)
But don't you see? (how can you do this thing to me?)
While there's no indication of physical force there is definitely a fear amount of guilting and some plying her with alcohol. At one point he flat out refused to take no for an answer. Granted her original no sounded a little ambivalent at first, but she later said no firmly. In total she the expressed a desire to leave pretty much throughout the entire song. Yet, by the end of the song I'm still not sure she was able to leave. The optimist in me hopes she stood her ground and left, but the pessimist in me also wonders what was in the drink.
An Honest Performance Of "Baby It's Cold Outside"
I realize this is sort of tongue in cheek way to discuss consent, but consent is no laughing matter. While, the original context of the song might have been innocent, imagine for a moment those were song lyrics but the transcript for a sexual assault case and you were in the jury box. What would the prevailing argument be? I doubt "Well your honor, she didn't leave" would be a viable defense.
Let's take a moment to unpack what consent is and what consent isn't.
What If I didn’t Say No?
Consent is communication, affirmative communication. Silence is not the same as consent. Consent should not be assumed. Not saying no isn't the same thing as saying yes. There are a number of reasons someone may feel uncomfortable saying no. It can be personal or cultural. They may be fearful, feel pressured, or feel powerless in the situation.
In order to have consent there need to be clear affirmative communication that both parties are on board with what is transpiring. Both individuals need to take ownership and responsibility. Ambivalence isn't consent either. It's not enough to say "maybe" or simply give in to the demands of the other person. If the person says they are unsure, don't really want to, or expresses they are unsure in any other way, verbal or nonverbal (pulling away, creating distance, pushing) that is a show stopper.
In order to have consent there need to be clear affirmative communication that both parties are on board with what is transpiring. Both individuals need to take ownership and responsibility. Ambivalence isn't consent either. It's not enough to say "maybe" or simply give in to the demands of the other person. If the person says they are unsure, don't really want to, or expresses they are unsure in any other way, verbal or nonverbal (pulling away, creating distance, pushing) that is a show stopper.
What if I Change My Mind?
That's the other thing about consent, it can be changed or revoked. Just because someone agrees in the beginning stages of a physical interaction, they are not required to follow through to the end. For example, they might have undressed and engaged in some form of intimacy and then changed their mind.
Consent requires checking in with the other person. Consent is fluid. People can also decide they are no longer comfortable with the agreed upon intimate exchange or they can decide to place limitations on how far they are willing to go.
Intimacy is not an entitlement. No one is entitled to have their sexual needs satisfied by another person. A person may feel frustrated, angry, or disappointed if consent is changed or revoked, but once consent is revoked that is end game. Consent achieved through blaming, shaming, coercing, begging or manipulating is not consent.
Consent requires checking in with the other person. Consent is fluid. People can also decide they are no longer comfortable with the agreed upon intimate exchange or they can decide to place limitations on how far they are willing to go.
Intimacy is not an entitlement. No one is entitled to have their sexual needs satisfied by another person. A person may feel frustrated, angry, or disappointed if consent is changed or revoked, but once consent is revoked that is end game. Consent achieved through blaming, shaming, coercing, begging or manipulating is not consent.
What if I was wearing/wasn't wearing (insert clothing option of choice).
Let's talk about the BS notion that women clothing or lack thereof is the reason men rape them. Fact - children get raped, Fact - nuns get raped. Fact - a woman in a coma got raped. Get this, even men get raped. The blame for sexual violence rest firmly on the shoulder of the perpetrator.
As I mentioned in my previous post, Through the Trauma Looking Glass, millions of men encounter women in various forms or dress (bikinis, hot pants, yoga pants, under wear) and are able to refrain from raping women. Rape is not inevitable. This type of messaging is not only toxic, it's flat out dangerous. Instead of policing the way our girls and women dress, we should be engaging our boys and girls in conversations about how to engage in healthy relationships. Let’s have conversations with men and women about relationship red flags and consent.
What If I Was Tipsy?
There is no such thing as consent if you or the other person are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Numerous studies have found a relationship between the risk of sexual victimization and alcohol use before and following sexual assault. In fact, alcohol has been identified as a risk factor for sexual assault in both military and civilian populations. One study of college sexual assault found that at 50% of the sexual assaults involved the use of alcohol or drugs by the perpetrator.
The DOD 2012 Workplace and Gender Relations Survey of Active Duty Members found that 47% of the female respondents who reported unwanted sexual contact, reported that they or the offender had been drinking alcohol prior the incident, with 3% indicating that the assailant used drugs to incapacitate them, and 2% indicating that they had used drugs prior to the assault.
Bottom line, drugs and alcohol impair brain function and decision making. It can also impair memory. Why take the risk of ending up in a situation you didn't intend to or can't remember? It just makes more sense to wait until you are sober.
When it comes to consent, it needs to be communicated clearly. It is equally important to communicate when something is unacceptable or unwanted clearly and assertively. Communication is key to consent.
The DOD 2012 Workplace and Gender Relations Survey of Active Duty Members found that 47% of the female respondents who reported unwanted sexual contact, reported that they or the offender had been drinking alcohol prior the incident, with 3% indicating that the assailant used drugs to incapacitate them, and 2% indicating that they had used drugs prior to the assault.
Bottom line, drugs and alcohol impair brain function and decision making. It can also impair memory. Why take the risk of ending up in a situation you didn't intend to or can't remember? It just makes more sense to wait until you are sober.
When it comes to consent, it needs to be communicated clearly. It is equally important to communicate when something is unacceptable or unwanted clearly and assertively. Communication is key to consent.
Here is a cool video that illustrates the point very well:
Consent and Tea - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ&t=8s
One small edit...if they say maybe do NOT start making the tea. You'll understand when you see the video
This is another good video:
FOOD FOR THOUGHT: “Tell her that her body belongs to her and her alone, that she should never feel the need to say yes to something she does not want, or something she feels pressured to do. Teach her that saying no when no feels right is something to be proud of.”
― Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Dear Ijeawele, or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions
Below is a resource for anyone who has been a victim of sexual assault,
National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline - https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline
Here are some articles that explore the topic of consent
What is Consent? - https://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/what-consent/
5 things you need to know about sexual consent: https://au.reachout.com/articles/5-things-you-need-to-know-about-sexual-consent
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