If You Can't Love Yourself, How the Hell You Gonna Love Anyone Else?

I'd like to devote the next series of posts to exploring the topic of relationships including the way we engage in the world (manage our relationships), the way we allow others to treat us, the way we treat others, and most importantly the way we treat ourselves.  To kick things off, I'd like to revisit a concept I touched on in past posts.  The subject is womanhood and what it means to be women.

This Girl is Under Fire

Ladies, today I will speak openly and honestly about womanhoon and the challenge of loving yourself as a woman when we are constantly bombarded with messages that we are defective.    FYI, this post will be chuck full of examples and videos to help illustrate my point. 

Exhibits A - E

Exhibit A - Commercials designed to make women feel defective.  I get it.  Advertising is about selling products.  I like products.  In fact, I quite enjoy shopping (mostly, the looking at things part, not necessarily the buying stuff part).  I am definitely not anti-commercial.  What I wan't to understand is why most women's commercial are geared towards telling us we are fat (diet ads), old (wrinkle cream, hair dye), not fashionable enough (clothing), annoying or defective in some other was.  There is one exception.  That exception is housework and children.  When it comes to housework, we are the all-knowing queen of housework.

The thing I find most upsetting is that the commercials telling us what's wrong with us feature women who have been so airbrushed they are practically China dolls.  But, for the sake of argument let's say that is how they "actually" look, am I supposed to believe Head and Shoulder will give me Sofia Vergara hair?  I believe that as much as I belief Kendall Jenner can end racism with a can of Coke.

Even celebrities aren't allowed to be the true versions of themselves, yet they are the images that are supposed to represent the ideal feminine form.  One other thing, who gets to decide what the ideal feminine form is? It may seem like these commercials care about you, but they are messages in the commercials aimed at making women feel they are in need of fixing.  Not emotionally or spiritually, which I am all for, but superficially.  Message from our commercial sponsor: There is only one right way to be a woman and you're doing it wrong.

Exhibit A: Death Becomes Her - Eternal Youth (1992) HD - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqTTejoQVXw

Exhibit B - Famous Lingerie Company (FLC) that shall not be named.  I have nothing against FLC personally.  Their underwear is lovely, if not a bit pricey.  In my youth FLC undies were among my most prized possession.  That all changed after I had my son.  Like a lot of other moms, my body did not snap back into position after I gave birth to my son.  My child was nearing the end of grade school when I was finally able to fit properly into my pre-pregnancy clothes.  Even now parts of me are no longer where I remember them being. Thankfully, I have learned the art of dressing for my body.  But I digress.

My issue with FLC is their brand sells a version of women that is vastly different from the majority of women I know.   I wish they were an anomaly, but while some designers have gotten with the times others assume full size is synonymous with ugly as hell.  Before I lost weight going shopping was like wondering through the aisle of misfit clothes.  Do designer assume our vision lessons in proportion to our weight.  I gained weight, I didn't go blind. Message from our commercial sponsor: Big girls need not apply.

Exhibit B - When Shapewear is so uncomfortable you have to cancel your plans - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3--SKzeVdcA

The Try Guys Try Valentine's Day Lingerie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qki4UjmVbis

Exhibit C - Photoshopping. Once upon a time I thought about how nice it must be to live in France.  I've always wanted to see Paris, but I was less interested in what I would see that what I wouldn't.  France is a magical place where photoshopping is banned.  In America photoshopping is a way of life.  Photoshopping is so mainstream that it's now accessible to everyone.  Don't like your eyes, there's a filter for that.  Waist too big, butt too small, there's an app for that.

The problem comes when our real-life persona doesn't match the ones we created.  Then there are only a few options, surgery to add the features we believe we lack or contraptions to create the illusion.  Before you know it, you are someone even your family wouldn't recognize.  I'm not criticizing anyone who wants to improve themselves by whatever means they feel appropriate (surgery, padding, cosmetics). I'm not against filters or apps. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel beautiful.  I'm just saying the real you is just as good as the one you create.   The original will always be better than the copy.  Message from our commercial sponsor: You are not enough.

Exhibit C: The Try Guys Get Photoshopped Like Women -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Zw634ZZiek

Exhibit D - Contradictory Messages Aimed at Women.  Put your clothes on vs. I like my woman to be sexy.  Her makeup is on point vs. women with makeup look fake (insert memes like "take her swimming first").  Long hair is sexy vs. I hate it when women wear wigs and weaves vs. Don't no one want a bald-headed chick.   Women are THOTS vs. I don't want a woman who's not going to put out.  Women are supposed to be strong vs. women are fragile and need a man to take care of them vs. Women are supposed to be subservient.  Message from our commercial sponsor: You are what I say you are

Exhibit D: If Women's Roles in Ads Were Played by Men - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SrpARP_M0o

Exhibit E - Statements like 70 is the new 40.  When did aging become a crime?  When I was ten, I wanted to be thirteen.  At thirteen, I wanted to be sixteen.  As soon as I hit sixteen, I couldn't wait to be eighteen.  Then at eighteen twenty-one couldn't come soon enough.  Then as my twenty's rolled on, I dreaded the big 3-0. Now as I am closing in on the big 5-0, I am grateful and no longer dread the prospect of getting older.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not racing towards old age, but I now longer feel like it's hunting me like in the movie Predator.

There are somethings I miss about my youth like the ability to lose weight quickly, needing less sleep, and having the energy to pull all-nighters.  Other things I could do without, like the insecurity, peer pressure, and the feeling like everything was about me.   If 70 is the new 40, that means forty is the new ten and I have no desire to go backwards.

I am enjoying my forties. My forties have come with a degree of wisdom, like the realization that I matter.  It took me until my forties to find my own sense of joy and sense of style.  In my twenties, I looked to others to tell me how I should be.  In my forties I am learning to trust my own internal compass.  I learned I don't need permission to be myself and I don't need to apologize for not being who others expect me to be.  Some ladies are fortunate to arrive at their place of wisdom sooner.  Perhaps other learnings await them, As for me I am excited to meet the woman I will become. Message from our commercial sponsor: Old age is coming for you, you better run like hell.

Exhibit E: Am I Getting OLD?!? - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xWsunB0BUI

(Exhibit E was a legit commercial.  If the woman in the video was sweating aging now, she might want to consider embalming or investing in the Death Become Her serum before she hits 50.)

It's enough to make my head spin.  When did being woman become so complicated?  Don't get me wrong people are entitled to their beliefs.  The problem arises when we feel like we have to shape shift in order to comply with someone else's version of womanhood.  Or worse when we shrink ourselves to become someone, we are not in order to feel loved and accepted.  Our expression of womanhood should be based on our definition of womanhood.  Women are a lot of things and, but we get to define what womanhood is.  No one has the right to define us.  

#IAmWhoISayIAm #IDefineMe #NotTheBossOfMe

My counter messages:

I Hold These Truths to Be Self Evident

I decide how much or how little of my body to display

I own my sexuality, and exercise full agency over my body

I am more than the sum of my parts

I am enough

I am worthy of love

I have a right to be my authentic self

I don't need anyone's permission to be who I am

#ThisIsMe #NoApologies #DontNeedYourPermissionToBeMe

This wonderful video illustrates my point:

Dove | Beauty on your own terms #MyBeautyMySay - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XOa7zVqxA4

So, there you have it ladies.  Exhibits A - E are some examples of ways the world chips away at women's self-esteem (sense of self-worth, including how we perceive our value to others).  Positive self-esteem is considered a protective factor and has been associated with mental well-being, adjustment, happiness, success, satisfaction, better overall health and positive social engagement (Mann, Hosman, Schaalma, & Vries, N. K, 2001).  Now let's talk about some ways to strengthen our self-esteem. 

Strategies for strengthening self-esteem

• Practice self-care (I discussed self-care in the post, Just Another Day in Paradise)
• Stop comparing yourself to others
• Reward yourself
• Laugh more
• Keep a diary of all the good things you know about yourself
• Treat yourself with compassion
• Do something for someone else
• Spend time with people who support and affirm you
• Engage in a preferred physical activity 

Physical activity strengthens self-esteem by:

• Decreasing stress hormones
• Strengthening your body (feel more capable)
• Increasing awareness of your body
• Teaching new skills

Here is a cool video:

10-Minute Guided Meditation for Self-Compassion - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TBpGiTrra8

One last thing...the people in your circle can also impact your self-esteem.  The messages we tell ourselves matter, but so do the messages we receive from others.  We can't control the world however, we can decide who we choose to give our time an energy to.  I'll explore healthy relationships in my next series of posts.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: “My primary relationship is with myself – all others are mirrors of it. As I learn to love myself, I automatically receive the love and appreciation that I desire from others. If I am committed to myself and to living my truth, I will attract others with equal commitment. My willingness to be intimate with my own deep feelings creates the space for intimacy with another. As I learn to love myself, I receive the love I desire from others.” — Shakti Gawain

Now some more funny videos.

We've never met, but the lady is this video is one of my favorite people:

She made Hilarious Parodies of Celebrity Photos in Instagram - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_wlydjO9GM