The B Word...Boundaries

Several years ago, I had an encounter with a woman working at a beauty supply store.  She was a lovely woman with a troubled expression on her face. I'm not sure how the conversation arose but somewhere during the conversation I mentioned I was a student. She asked what I was studying, and I replied clinical psychology.  Seconds after my reply the woman began telling me her life history in full detail including her abuse history and current marital issues.  We were not alone and although I felt a bit self-conscious for her, she seemed oblivious that she was sharing deeply personal intimate information with a complete stranger in a store full of strangers.

Boundaries are necessary, protective, and communicate love

The instance I described above is an example of having a porous boundary.  The woman in question was obviously in a state of emotional pain.  In her current state she made a decision to share deeply personal information of her life with me, a complete stranger.  I call that emotional hemorrhaging.  I discuss emotional hemorrhaging in the post Sis, Your Trauma is Showing.   She assumed I was safe, luckily I was.  The problem was she had no way of knowing for sure.  When we lack appropriate boundaries, we expose ourselves to unnecessary risks.  

What Are Personal Boundaries?

Personal boundaries are the rules or principles we use to determine what behaviors, interactions, and communications we consider allowable or permissible in our relationships.  They are the safety protocols by which we operate.  Persona boundaries are sometimes influenced by cultures.  For example, some cultures have prescribed behaviors for interacting with different groups (genders, family members, colleagues, strangers) and different situations (work, home, dating).  Although what constitutes an appropriate boundary, boundaries are necessary for our physical and emotional well-being.  Having healthy personal boundaries are necessary for self-care and self-preservation.

When discussing types of personal boundaries, I like to use the house metaphor.  Similar to a house, boundaries involve access and safety.  Boundaries are how we determine who has access to our body, personal space, possessions, and private information.  

There are three types of boundaries (1) Rigid (2) Porous, and (3) Healthy.  I'll be using the house metaphor to describe them in detail.

Rigid Boundaries - Impenetrable Fortress

Imagine a house made of the strongest steel, surrounded a wall with barbed wire and laser.  This house is surrounded by a moat filled with sharks.  There is no drawbridge to this house.  In fact, there are now windows, doors, or even a peephole.  This house is impenetrable.  On the surface, this may seem like a good place to live.  It's perhaps the safest place to be.  The problem is while no-one can get in, You also can't get out.  This can lead to isolation and loneliness. 

Rigid boundaries while protective don't allow for engaging or interacting with the world in a healthy way.   Some indicators of overly rigid boundaries can include being detached in personal relationships, avoiding engaging in intimate or close relationships, being unwilling to seek assistance from others, remaining emotionally distance to avoid rejection, and being unwilling to share any personal information.  That being said some relationships may require rigid boundaries, as in the case of abusive relationships.  

Porous Boundary - House of Glass

Having porous boundaries is the equivalent of living in a house of glass.  In this house all the walls and all of the contents in the are made of glass.  There is no door.   Anyone and everyone has access to the glass house because there are no protective mechanisms in place.  

The problem with glass homes is they leave their occupants vulnerable.  Some of the indicators of a porous boundary is the tendency to inappropriately overshare personal information.  People with porous boundaries also have difficulty saying no and setting limits or refusing access to their body or property. They may also be overly dependent on other, become intimate (physically, sexually, or emotionally) with others too quickly, or accepting of abuse, disrespect, or maltreatment.  Another indication of porous boundaries is the tendency to become overly involved in the lives and problems of others and a tendency to comply with inappropriate requests out of a fear of rejection.

Healthy Boundaries - Well-built home with a robust alarm system

Having healthy boundaries is like living in a well-built home with an effective alarm system.  This home resembles most homes with a sturdy front door, windows with blinds, and is built of brick.  Healthy boundary homes have great alarm systems.  The alarm system is start of the art, sensitive but precise, able to detect the difference between a fire and overcooked bacon.  

People with healthy boundaries are able to fine tune their alarm to suit the situation and context.  For example, being able to recognize that inviting a friend to spend the night is relatively safe, while inviting a stranger is not.  Having healthy boundaries means having awareness of your needs, want, and values and being able to communicate those needs effectively.  It also means recognizing and respecting the boundaries of others.  A person with health boundaries also refrains from inappropriately oversharing, knows how to set limits, say no to inappropriate requests, and is able to accept no for an answer.  These individuals are able to engage in intimate relationships and maintain close relationships with others.  Healthy boundaries means are aware of our values and are unwilling to compromise them to please others.

Now that we have discussed types of boundaries, I'd like to delve into the different categories of personal boundaries. When discussing personal boundary categories, I would like to refer to the personal boundary descriptions provided in the Therapist Aid Worksheet.  The boundary categories of discussed below have been adapted from the list provided by Therapist Aid.  The Therapist Aid worksheet describes five boundary types (1) Physical (2) Emotional (3) Material (4) Intellectual, (5) Time, and (6) sexual.

Physical boundaries relate to touch and personal space.  Having healthy physical boundaries mean knowing and understanding how to engage with someone appropriately in different situations.  For example, realizing that different people have different comfort levels related to touch (hugs, handshakes, kisses, standing too close).  Examples physical boundary violations can include standing too close to someone, and/or invading their personal space (sitting on their bed, going through their purse, reading their texts over their shoulder, going through their social media).

Emotional boundaries relate to individual feelings and understanding where, when, and whom it is appropriate to disclose personal information.  The store above illustrates unhealthy boundaries.  Having healthy emotional boundaries involves getting to know someone in order to discern it is safe and appropriate to share your personal information.  Examples of emotional boundary violations can include disclosing the personal information of others, disregarding or belittling someone’s feelings, and/or criticizing or invalidating someone's feelings.

Material boundaries refer to an individual property or personal possessions.  Having healthy material boundaries involves being mindful and setting limits on who has access to your property and personal possessions.  It also means determining the circumstance under which access is warranted.  For example, sharing your apartment with a family member or close friend may be worth consideration, but sharing your apartment with a random stranger is not.  Examples of material boundary violation can include destroying someone’s property, using someone’s property without their consent, taking someone’s property without their permission, and/or pressuring someone to gain access to their property or possession.

Intellectual boundaries relate to thoughts and ideas.  Having healthy intellectual boundaries means respecting the ideas of other and recognizing the appropriate context for discussing ideas and thoughts.  what subjects are appropriate for discussion.   Examples of intellectual boundary violations can include dismissing, belittling, and/or criticizing someone's ideas or thoughts.

Time boundaries has to do with respecting and valuing the time of others and having your time values.  Having healthy time boundaries means prioritizing time to accomplish your necessary life tasks.  An example of a time boundary violation is placing unreasonable demands on someone else's time, or someone attempting to monopolize our time with unreasonable demands.   

Sexual boundaries are violations having to do with various aspects of sexuality.  This includes violations related sexual behavior.  Sexual boundary violations include acts such as sexual harassment, undated sexual contact, pressuring someone to engage in sex or perform sex acts they are not comfortable doing.  Engaging in sexual behavior or initiating sexual contact with consent is also a sexual boundary violation.  I will be discussing consent in my next post, Baby It's Cold Outside.

In my next post, Baby It's Cold Outside, I'm going to discuss the issue of consent and why not saying no is not the same as saying yes.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: “An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.” ~Harriet Lerner

Still have questions about boundaries or want to know how to develop boundaries?  Check out the helpful links below:

Therapist Aid's Boundary worksheet: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/boundaries-psychoeducation-printout.pdf

How to Create Healthy Boundaries - https://www.uky.edu/hr/sites/www.uky.edu.hr/files/wellness/images/Conf14_Boundaries.pdf

This video below also makes some good points thought it's not quite a detailed.

3 Boundaries You Must Set in Every Relationship: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUpZgwLQvSM