Un-Break My Heart

Hi Ladies.  This blog post is from written by guest blogger and Marine, Catherine Haataja Salvador.   It was taken from her pagehttp://widowisnotmyfirstname.com

TRIGGER WARNING:  This post discusses recovery from the loss of a loved one.

When asked to write a post about grief and loss, it’s a bit interesting, because no matter what I write about, it almost always includes grief and loss in it now. I was 25 years old, when I began the grief journey, the journey that never really ends. 

            

I pulled into the parking lot at my son’s daycare on a Friday afternoon, ready for the busy weekend. I was superwoman then. I was working full time, going to school full time, a Sergeant in the Marine Corps Reserves, and parenting my then 2 almost 3-year-old son. I was pursuing my dreams, had ironed out my rocky marriage into something beautiful, and we had come so far in the last 6 months that we were happier than we’d ever been. 

My phone began ringing when I pulled up, and it was a number I didn’t recognize from Indio, California. Weird I thought, Mel, my husband was riding his motorcycle near there today and I hadn’t heard from him in a couple hours. I didn’t answer the call, but I tried calling Mel twice with no response. He had been having a great day at the track and I assumed he was packing up his truck to head home to us. My gut nagged at me that something was wrong, but I went inside and got my son, and walked back out. I was about to call him again when the Indio number began calling again. 

“Hello?” “Hello ma’am, (Ma’am, who was calling me with this formality, I wondered) is this Catherine Salvador?” “Yes,” I hesitantly replied. “Ma’am, my name is Deputy Garcia, your husband has passed away today.” My stomach lurched, I screamed out loud. I began wailing, trying to process those words. I had to get out of this parking lot. I knew I shouldn’t drive, but I also knew I had to leave this spot. 

I made it to a friend’s house and began making the life changing phone calls to each of my family members and to his. Hesitating before each call, unsure of how I was going to change the lives of so many people that night by delivering the worst news. Mom, dad, brother, sister, and son. 

Somehow, I got through those calls, I got through viewing my husbands’ cold body, head with staples in it from the autopsy. I got through a funeral, and the playing of taps. I watched as my home emptied out. Each person leaving raked my heart, wondering how I was going to pick up my life again alone. This was only the beginning, I soon realized.

I began living life in a fast forward. I returned to work only two weeks later, returned to drill the next month, and started occupying my time with any activity I possibly could. I dropped all my college classes, unable to keep up with my work, finding my mind completely lost anytime I tried to just sit down and concentrate. 

On December 21st, nearly 3 months later, I learned what had taken my husbands life. Despite being out on a motorcycle, it wasn’t a crash that had claimed him. They explained to me that he died from heart failure. My husband, 39 years old, and weighing 160 pounds, fit from the gym, and no indication of heart trouble had lost his life due to heart failure. 

I thought that knowing would have given me some closure. I kept trying to put timelines on this whole grief thing. In X number of months, I’ll probably be feeling better. But this just ripped open a whole new wound. I finally let myself feel the loss after learning what happened. I cried myself to sleep, cried on my way in to work, screamed in anger, and vented to my closest friends. 

            

But just like any difficult situation, you find yourself looking for a way out. Your eyes are tired from crying each day. Your friends have heard you lose it every day for months now. You begin to wonder just how long this is going to go on. So once again I began living in fast forward again. I would get in my car with my son every weekend and we’d go somewhere. Traveling is likely a healthier outlet then alcohol or drugs, but I was constantly going somewhere. Afraid to face what happened when I would stay home and just let myself feel.

I realized I had been doing this for too long when I failed my rifle range qualification, followed my failing my physical fitness test. I still had all this grief bottled up inside of me, no matter how much I was actually letting myself feel it. I had to make a change and start really taking care of myself. 

I began going to the gym. One day after another I would show up. I changed my eating habits, not binging on junk food every day. I hired a therapist, and also a holistic healer. I slowed down my driving. I spent days out in the sunshine, enjoying the outdoors with my son. I evaluated my career, my time, my friendships. 

I finally realized the things I needed to do. I allowed myself to feel when it bubbled up to the surface. I began crying again and learned how healing those tears were, despite how difficult the emotions were to feel. I submitted a letter of resignation to my full-time job, and began enrolling in college classes. 

Grief doesn’t have a time frame. It doesn’t matter what age you are when you experience loss, it still sucks. It doesn’t show itself in the same form each time you see it. Sometimes it’s anger, sometimes you’ll need to cry. Often times, it’s just a quiet smile, when you have a fond memory pop up. 

The best advice I can give someone who is grieving is allow yourself to feel these emotions. Sometimes running from them is necessary. Our bodies aren’t always ready to process everything, but make sure you come back to those emotions. Surround yourself with a good support system but most importantly make sure you support yourself. Give yourself grace while healing.

~ Written by Catherine Haataja Salvador, USMC.  Please check out her blog - Widow is Not My First Name - https://widowisnotmyfirstname.com

For the remainder of the post I'd like to talk about the grief process specifically acute grief, integrated grief and complicated grief.  

Integrated Grief vs. Complicated Grief

It may be helpful to look at grief like a type of emotional wound resulting from the loss of something or someone of value.  People don't always heal at the same pace or in the same way.  The most important thing is that the healing process is taking place and the person is ultimately able to recover from the loss. 

People can feel grief for a variety of reasons including the loss of a relationship, death or loss of a loved one, or the loss of something of values.  For the purpose of this post, I want to discuss grief that occurs after the death of a loved.  This is sometimes referred to as bereavement.  

The grief experienced in the immediate aftermath of a loss, sometimes referred to as acute grief, may take many forms from crying inconsolably to laughing nervously. Grief can be expressed physically through sleep difficulties, increase or decrease of appetite, changes (decrease or increase) in sex drive, shortness of breath, restlessness, intense sadness, or tightness in chest or throat. The symptoms can feel very intense or they can wax and wane. There may even be moments of happiness.

Some people may just feel a sense of numbness or detachment from those around them.  Others may feel guilt or shame because the grief may be accompanied with a sense of relief, they are unable to grieve openly, they experience moments of happiness, or grieve in ways others may deem socially appropriate.  It's important to recognize grief is individual.  There is no one way or right way to grieve.  Acute grief symptoms can last for weeks or months but if the person's grief process is uncomplicated, they start to fade over time. 

Integrated Grief

As acute grief symptoms start to fade the integrated healing process begins.  Integrated grief is the healthy continuation of the healing process, when the intensity of the grief begins to lessen.  Integrated grief does not mean the person no longer grieves or misses the loved one.  Like a healed wound with scar tissue, there may be lingering pain or other reminders of the loss.  In integrated grief the loss is still a part of the person but the pain accompanying the loss is no longer debilitating.  The individual still feels sadness around the loss but is also able to experience feelings of happiness.  

Complicated Grief

Uncomplicated grief and complicated grief are similar in that loss itself is the genesis of the pain.  Where they differ is in the healing process. If integrated grief is a healed wound, complicated grief is a wound that fails to heal properly.  Individuals experiencing complicated grief have a difficult time coming to terms with the loss of a loved one.  It may be because the loss was traumatic, the person's death was sudden/unexpected (person was young, healthy, etc.), or the person experiencing the loss has limited emotional support.  Individuals experiencing complicated grief may still feel overwhelmed by grief years after the loss. Any experiences of joy are overtaken by grief.  Some consider may consider moving on and accepting the loss as a betrayal of the deceased memory.  Their grief is like an open wound left untreated that has become infected and begins to undermine the entire system,      

As Catherine's post illustrated grief is a process.  Grief can ebb and flow like waves in an ocean.  Sometimes we are able to stand firm, other times it feels like the ground is shifting under us.  Sometimes it knocks us flat on our back.  Grief doesn't necessarily have a timeline, but when complicated grief takes over and becomes an all-consuming force in our life it is time to seek the help of a qualified mental health professional.

Here are some resources

Complicated Grief and Its Treatment:  A Handout for Patients, Friends, and Family Members – http://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/CG-and-Its-Treatment_short.pdf

5 Things They Don't Tell You About Grief - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201511/5-things-they-dont-tell-you-about-grief

Complicated grief - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuLtbVMF_q0