He/She/They Gets Me...They really get me
So at this point, I think it's safe to say I'm pro therapy. I also understand going to therapy can feel intimidating. I talked my self out of therapy a kagillion times before I summoned the strength to set foot in a therapist's office. Admittedly, I went to therapy because I was unraveling. At that point, it was less of a choice than a necessity. I describe the circumstances that lead me to therapy in the post "Finding the One."
My first visit was everything you would imagine it to be, awkward and a little bit terrifying, but it was also kind of liberating. Once I got past the initial fear of judgment, I started to look forward to therapy. I talk more about the therapy process and recognizing when it might be time for therapy in the post, Sis, Your Trauma is Showing: https://shieldmaideninstitute.blogspot.com/2019/03/hey-sis-your-trauma-is-showing.html
When I thought about therapy like any other doctor's visit, going to therapy made sense. I wouldn't hesitate to go to the doctor if my medical condition was impacting my life. I have never felt shame asking for help with strep throat. I may be embarrassed but I still share personal stuff with my doctor. I's tell my doctor if I had issues with my body because I need his help to fix it and he can't fix what he doesn't know. Just like a medical doctor, therapists are most concerned about what things in my life may be negatively affecting my health, but their focus is on mental health. Therapists also trying to rule out if symptoms aren't being caused by something external (medication, diagnosis, etc,).
In this post, I want to talk about finding the right therapist match. I wouldn't continue to see a doctor who wasn't qualified to treat me. I also would stay with a doctor who has crappy communication skills or who behaves inappropriately.
Intake is how therapists get to know their clients and understand the factors that led them to seek therapy. Depending on the circumstance that can take anywhere from 1 - 2 visits. During that time, a therapist will share their observations and, in some cases, work with the client to come up with a plan to help them feel better. There is one caveat. If during the first visit the client is struggling with something that needs immediate attention or that puts them or others at risk, most therapists will want to deal with that first. Client safety and the safety of others is ALWAYS a priority
Hopefully, by the third visit me and the therapist will have figured out of it's a good fit. Here's the thing though, it's okay if I decide your therapist is not "the One." Trust me, a good therapist will not get their feeling hurt if they are not a good fit. They may even be able to refer the client to someone more suited for you.
Maybe it's fixable or maybe it's not. I can still choose to leave but by exploring my concerns I may be in a better position to find a therapist that's right for me. Now that I have that established the basics the bottom line is if I felt unsafe physically or emotionally with my therapist, I would definitely terminate. Don't ignore red flags or warning signs.
While we are on the subject, let's talk:
1) Do they possess a current license and appropriate training and/or credentials? If you aren't sure what types of licenses are necessary, please see the links below. I've also included some links below about how to check if your therapist is licensed/credentialed.
2) Do they have experience and knowledge dealing with my particular issue? It's okay to ask the therapist about their training and experience. While many therapists have a variety of skill sets, some have spent many years honing their skills in specific areas (e.g. anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, etc.). There are also therapists who may not be certified or credentialed in a specific area but have spent significant time working with certain populations.
3) Does the therapist make me feel heard and understood? The connection is important to a therapeutic relationship. It's important to note that therapists are human beings and sometimes miss the mark. It's also important to notice if your therapist is actively working to strengthen your connection. Finally, it's also okay to acknowledge if a connection does not exist.
4) Does the therapist provide me with tools (emotional insight, skills, new learnings) that I can use to continue my emotional growth/healing outside the office? The goal is to get better, not remain in therapy remain in therapy forever.
If I answered yes to all four, Yay! I might have found myself a therapist.
If not, don't give up. Somewhere out there is a therapist for you. You can visit my post, Finding the One, to get info on finding a therapist. In the meanwhile, check out this cool video:
What People Who Go to Therapy Want You To Know: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBe_hvp6S_w
My first visit was everything you would imagine it to be, awkward and a little bit terrifying, but it was also kind of liberating. Once I got past the initial fear of judgment, I started to look forward to therapy. I talk more about the therapy process and recognizing when it might be time for therapy in the post, Sis, Your Trauma is Showing: https://shieldmaideninstitute.blogspot.com/2019/03/hey-sis-your-trauma-is-showing.html
When I thought about therapy like any other doctor's visit, going to therapy made sense. I wouldn't hesitate to go to the doctor if my medical condition was impacting my life. I have never felt shame asking for help with strep throat. I may be embarrassed but I still share personal stuff with my doctor. I's tell my doctor if I had issues with my body because I need his help to fix it and he can't fix what he doesn't know. Just like a medical doctor, therapists are most concerned about what things in my life may be negatively affecting my health, but their focus is on mental health. Therapists also trying to rule out if symptoms aren't being caused by something external (medication, diagnosis, etc,).
In this post, I want to talk about finding the right therapist match. I wouldn't continue to see a doctor who wasn't qualified to treat me. I also would stay with a doctor who has crappy communication skills or who behaves inappropriately.
How Do I Know If I've Found the One?
As someone who has been a therapist and a client, I have come up with a 3 Session Therapy Rule. Basically, that means I give new therapists three visits before I decide if they are a good fit or not. Here's why. As a therapist, when I meet a new client, I like to take time to get to know them. That means devoting 1 - 2 session towards the intake. Intake is just therapy jargon for information gathering. Information gathering often means asking a lot of questions, including some that might seem a bit personal. For example, I ask about previous mental health concerns, relationships, substance use, medications and health conditions.Intake is how therapists get to know their clients and understand the factors that led them to seek therapy. Depending on the circumstance that can take anywhere from 1 - 2 visits. During that time, a therapist will share their observations and, in some cases, work with the client to come up with a plan to help them feel better. There is one caveat. If during the first visit the client is struggling with something that needs immediate attention or that puts them or others at risk, most therapists will want to deal with that first. Client safety and the safety of others is ALWAYS a priority
Hopefully, by the third visit me and the therapist will have figured out of it's a good fit. Here's the thing though, it's okay if I decide your therapist is not "the One." Trust me, a good therapist will not get their feeling hurt if they are not a good fit. They may even be able to refer the client to someone more suited for you.
To Ghost or Not to Ghost?
If I was thinking about ending my relationship with a therapist, I sometimes find it helpful to figure out why the relationship isn't working. Maybe it is a communication issue? Maybe it's cultural? It's possible something about their appearance or behavior made me uncomfortable? Or they might have done or said something off-putting in session? If it's one of the above, I might consider exploring a little more. Maybe the therapist didn't realize their behavior or style was negatively impacting the relationship. Maybe they have similar concerns.Maybe it's fixable or maybe it's not. I can still choose to leave but by exploring my concerns I may be in a better position to find a therapist that's right for me. Now that I have that established the basics the bottom line is if I felt unsafe physically or emotionally with my therapist, I would definitely terminate. Don't ignore red flags or warning signs.
While we are on the subject, let's talk:
Therapist Warning Signs
- Therapist behaves sexually towards me or tries to initiate a sexual relationship with me.
- Therapist berates, belittles, or humiliates me
- Therapist threatens or harasses me (in session, electronically, or outside session)
- Therapist tries to exploit our relationship (requests favors, gifts, or discount services at the my place of work,
- Therapist asks me to perform personal services (baby sitter, dog walker, pick up dry cleaning or coffee, act as errand boy/girl)
How Do I Decide on a Therapist?
Below are some of the questions I ask myself.1) Do they possess a current license and appropriate training and/or credentials? If you aren't sure what types of licenses are necessary, please see the links below. I've also included some links below about how to check if your therapist is licensed/credentialed.
2) Do they have experience and knowledge dealing with my particular issue? It's okay to ask the therapist about their training and experience. While many therapists have a variety of skill sets, some have spent many years honing their skills in specific areas (e.g. anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, etc.). There are also therapists who may not be certified or credentialed in a specific area but have spent significant time working with certain populations.
3) Does the therapist make me feel heard and understood? The connection is important to a therapeutic relationship. It's important to note that therapists are human beings and sometimes miss the mark. It's also important to notice if your therapist is actively working to strengthen your connection. Finally, it's also okay to acknowledge if a connection does not exist.
4) Does the therapist provide me with tools (emotional insight, skills, new learnings) that I can use to continue my emotional growth/healing outside the office? The goal is to get better, not remain in therapy remain in therapy forever.
If I answered yes to all four, Yay! I might have found myself a therapist.
If not, don't give up. Somewhere out there is a therapist for you. You can visit my post, Finding the One, to get info on finding a therapist. In the meanwhile, check out this cool video:
What People Who Go to Therapy Want You To Know: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBe_hvp6S_w
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