It's Okay to Not Be Okay

t's Okay to Get Some Help

It's Okay to Not Be Okay

~ Charlamagne Tha God

I'd like to talk about how trauma can screw with how we see the world and ourselves. I'd also like to once again make the case for seeking help to deal with trauma symptoms.

In my post, The Lies Trauma Tells, I shared my trauma story and some of my struggles with self-blame.  

After my attacks, I tried to rationalize to myself that I just needed to be more careful. I decided that I would just get on with life as normal.  My life would be just as it was before the attack.  I decided despite the terrifying thing that had happened to me I was okay.  I convinced myself that I was somewhat safe. 

It was an impossible lie to maintain.  The truth was I spent most of my days after the attack fighting my fears.  I couldn't ignore the facts or deny my own feelings of being vulnerable and exposed.  The attack happened right outside the door of my apartment, a building with zero security. I was single.  I lived alone.  Everyone I knew lived in different boroughs, at least a couple hours away.  Moving was not an option.  My apartment was rent controlled, and I was a broke college student. There was nowhere else for me to live.  

Also, I didn't want to leave.  In my mind staying was proof that I was strong.  I reasoned it was like giving my attacker the middle finger.   The problem was as much as I pretended, I wasn't okay. Despite my pretending otherwise there were definite signs that I wasn't okay.

I told myself I would be okay as long as I took precautions.  I bought a small knife even though my attacker was already in police custody. I feared he was still walking the streets. I developed this ritual of looking under all the staircase in my apartment just in case.  I couldn't enter my apartment until I did my nightly safety check, knife in tow.  

In the days and weeks that followed my attack, I was perpetually on edge.  It was as though the attack had amped up my senses.  I was suddenly aware of every sound, every movement, every bit of minutia in the environment.  Sudden movement unnerved me.  Something as simple as tapping me on the shoulder freaked me out.  Still, I told my self I had everything under control.

I Did Not Have Everything Under Control

CLUE #1- I hated having people in close proximity.  This made riding the subways especially uncomfortable.  My heart would race every time I boarded the subway.  My chest constricted every time someone brushed past me. I started taking days off from work, calling out sick, even though I knew eventually I might lose my job. When I was at the job I was agitated, distracted, and angry.

CLUE #2 - My Nighttime Rituals.   As soon as I came home from work, after I made sure the front door was securely locked, I would hurriedly prepare a meal.  I'd take the meal to my bedroom and place it on my bed.  Then I closed the bedroom door, after once again checking the front door, and closed the closet door.

After making sure all doors were closed, I climbed into my bed and ate.  When I was done eating, I put the plates on the floor and propped up against a stack of pillows against my headboard and pull the blankest up around me.  Then, stared at the bedroom and closet doors until I fell asleep in an inclined position. Most nights that sleep was interrupted by nightmares and hallucinations.

CLUE #3 - Nightmares and Hallucination. Sleep seldom came and when it did, I was plagued by horrible violent images.  After several days of not sleeping, I began to have hallucinations.  I heard footprints approaching my bed and felt the invisible hands of men holding me down, trying to rape me.  Being sleep deprived made subway trips easier, mostly because in my disembodied state hyper-vigilance was hard to maintain.  My nighty safety rituals were compromising my real-life safety by reducing my ability to pay attention to the real world.

This had been going on for almost two months before I sought help.  Help came in the form of an appointment with a therapist provided by NY's sex crime victim program.  The sex crime program offered free therapy to anyone who was the victim of a sex crime. One of the officers gave me the card the day of the attack.  I decided I didn't need to talk to a therapist.  Why would I air my business to a stranger? Jamaicans don't do that. Black people don't do that.  Marines don't do that.  Besides I was okay, wasn't I?  I finally decided to call as an act of desperation and a matter of survival. Once I was so distracted, I almost walked into traffic.  It took almost dying to get me to go to therapy.

Once I started therapy, I began to understand my body was responding to trauma.  These new behaviors were my body's misguided attempt to protect me. The problem was these behaviors were hurting me. My brain had been stuck in survival mode and as much as I wanted to believe I was okay the truth was I was not okay. I was a long way from okay. Thankfully with therapy, I was able to begin the journey that would help me regain my life.

As I gained a better understanding of mental health care, I realized the idea of shaming someone for taking care of themselves is a ridiculous notion.  Would you shame someone for seeking a doctor's care for their diabetes?

The foundation of my emotional health was already a bit lopsided when trauma struck.  It took a lot of work, but over time with the help of a therapist, I was able to sift through the rubble and salvage the healthy parts of myself.  I used those parts to build a better, stronger foundation and continued to rebuild my mind, my soul, and my body. 

Should I Consider Finding a Therapist?

Seeing a therapist is a deeply personal choice.  While others can encourage you to go to therapy ultimately the decision rests with you and this is important for two reasons.

No one can force you into treatment.  There are some exceptions related to situations related to safety.  For example, if you are found to be a danger to yourself or others. Different states have varying legal requirements and rules regarding involuntary commitment. The military may also have rules related to seeking and receiving treatment.

Successful therapeutic relationships are based on establishing a safe, authentic, trusting relationship.  A person who is forced or mandated to receive therapy is likely to be guarded and reluctant to share.  This reluctance can be overcome but it is a lot easy to form a connection with someone who is a willing participant versus a mandated client.

How Do I Choose a *Therapist?

*In this section when I use the word therapist, I am using it as a blanket term to refer to mental health professionals.  Mental health professionals as a blanket term and includes psychiatrists, psychologists, clinical social workers, psychiatric nurses, marriage & family therapists, and licensed professional counselors.  I included a link below that explains the differences between mental health providers.

There are lots of people who offer their services to deal with life difficulties.  This includes life coaches, counselors, therapists, spiritual advisors.  Unfortunately, not all of them are qualified or in some cases legally allowed to provide therapy services.  My #1 rule for finding a therapist is to choose someone with a current and valid license.  A license means they have received the appropriate education and have met all the legal requirements to practice.  It also means they are accountable to a governing body thus you have recourse if something goes wrong.

Titles and letters behind a therapist's names of therapist might be impressive, but knowing they are properly licensed by their governing body is what matters most for me if I am looking for a mental health provider.  There are other types of counselors that may not be licensed, but if you were choosing a doctor for a medical issue would you choose an unlicensed provider.  I am not suggesting a licensed mental health provider is your only option.  Some cultures also consult with shaman's, pastors, or other spiritual healers.  Those providers may offer different perspectives and different resources. But, even if I choose to work with an herbalist, I would still see my doctor if I need my appendix removed.

In my post Hey Sis, Your Trauma is Showing, I discuss some truths about therapy and my strategy for finding the right therapist.

When should you seek therapy for life's difficulties? - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89kim41LaOk.

 The video is less than a minute long so it will go quickly.    

When should you seek medical help for symptoms of mental illness? - 

Here are some links to help you get started on your mental health journey:

Types of Mental Health Professionals: https://psychcentral.com/lib/types-of-mental-health-professionals/

Therapist Credentials: What do all those letters mean? - https://whatsyourgrief.com/therapist-credentials/

Verify A License: Psychologist - https://www.asppb.net/page/LicenseLookup

Licensee, Provisional Licensee and Supervisor Search (to find a licensed provider in your area) - http://www.lpcboard.org/search_all.php