Am I My Sister's Keeper?
A Marine Woman By Any Other Name?
When I arrived at my duty station, I was a shy eighteen-year-old who just wanted to get along with everyone. Prior to enlisting, I'd never lived outside NY. I was friendly, but mostly an introvert. When it came to men, I was fresh off the turnip truck. I had dated a few times in high school, but my knowledge of the opposite sex was very limited.
Growing up in NY I was accustomed to being hit on by men. The RBF was born in NY as a defense against constant harassment. In NY I learned eye contact was an invitation, so when I arrived at Camp Lejeune I took great pains to keep to myself. The problem with my strategy was it left me isolated and excluded from group activities. It also earned me the title of a stuck up bitch, at least that's how I overheard myself being described by a male Marine.
Perhaps, it shouldn't have mattered, but being called a stuck-up bitch hurt. I was new and wanted to feel like I belonged. So, I made a decision to step outside of myself and attempted to get to know my fellow Marines. I started to go to the E-club and even accepted the occasional invite to lunch or the movies. I wasn't a drinker and had not tried alcohol before enlisting but I began drinking in an effort to fit in. I wasn't a party animal but the shy girl from Brooklyn was successfully tucked away. I began to hang out with my male Marine friends regularly. We hung out together into the wee hours of the night and even crashed into each other's rooms.
I considered them my brothers and trusted them to have my back. What I hadn't considered was my reputation. I hung out with the guys, but I wasn't sleeping with any of them, not that it mattered. Before I knew it, I had graduated to a new moniker. I had moved seamlessly from bitch to slut. It didn't matter that I wasn't even sexually active, the label persisted even when I got into a committed relationship.
Some might ask, so what is the big deal it's just a label. Here's the thing, the label has a couple of ramifications. One is it increases the likelihood that you will be targeted by male Marines. Being a slut means you are fair game for anyone. It also breeds resentment if you reject some male advances. Being labeled a slut damages your credibility with male and female Marines.
Women don't want to be associated with someone labeled a slut, because they don't want to be labeled a slut by association. Men, with the exception of the men who are looking to benefit from your slut label, don't want to be in a relationship with a woman who they believe is sleeping her way through the barracks. One final note, the command may also be aware of your reputation and this can impact their perception of your leadership abilities and even directly impact your ability to command respect from peers and subordinates.
Another label falsely assigned to women during my time in the service was the title of lesbian. There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian, but because I served during "Don't ask, don't tell," accusing someone of being a lesbian at that time was a career ender. The criteria for being a lesbian was simple. Lesbians were women who preferred to hang out with other women.
Being called a lesbian didn't require you to be in an actual lesbian relationship or to even be sexually attracted to women. You just had to like spending time with your fellow woman Marine. Back then the word lesbian was not only treated as a pejorative, but it was also weaponized. The consequences of being a lesbian were similar to that of being labeled a bitch. Lesbians were ostracized and mocked. The message was clear - there was no acceptable form of womanhood.
For me. being a woman in the Marines was like walking a tightrope over a shark tank. It required precision and balance. If you were too feminine, you ran the risk of being accused of using your femininity to get ahead. If you weren't feminine enough you were trying to be like a man. Male Marines had the luxury of defining themselves.
Another label falsely assigned to women during my time in the service was the title of lesbian. There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian, but because I served during "Don't ask, don't tell," accusing someone of being a lesbian at that time was a career ender. The criteria for being a lesbian was simple. Lesbians were women who preferred to hang out with other women.
Being called a lesbian didn't require you to be in an actual lesbian relationship or to even be sexually attracted to women. You just had to like spending time with your fellow woman Marine. Back then the word lesbian was not only treated as a pejorative, but it was also weaponized. The consequences of being a lesbian were similar to that of being labeled a bitch. Lesbians were ostracized and mocked. The message was clear - there was no acceptable form of womanhood.
For me. being a woman in the Marines was like walking a tightrope over a shark tank. It required precision and balance. If you were too feminine, you ran the risk of being accused of using your femininity to get ahead. If you weren't feminine enough you were trying to be like a man. Male Marines had the luxury of defining themselves.
Pick a Side, Us or Them?
When I deployed during Desert Storm, I was one of 1000 women who deployed with 107,000 Marines. The numbers have improved since then, but there is no denying the composition of the United States military is overwhelmingly male (84.1%). However, our numbers are growing. Current figures indicate 15.9% of active duty service members are female as compared to 11% in 1990.
When I initially the joined Marines, I was under the impression that women Marines were treated the same as male Marines. I hadn't yet come to terms with the fact that I was a woman in a man's world. In a matter of months, I began to realize my gender was considered a deficit by some of my fellow Marine men.
I checked into my first duty station and was shocked to see how few women Marines there were. Boot Camp and MOS Marine Corps Service Support (MCSSS), now called Marine Corps Combat Service Support School, had lulled me into a false sense of security. I worked in admin with other women, but like many military women, we regarded each other with suspicion. Gender wasn't enough to bind us. Some women were cool, but there were some who I would have been hard-pressed to hang with even if we were stranded alone on a desert island.
Although at times it felt like a betrayal, I felt like I had to choose. I justified my decision by telling myself there was safety in numbers and except for the rare occasion, I'd mostly be in the company of males. I need to learn how to be one of the boys. Better to have them on my side. Here's the thing though, that was a fallacy because as hard as I tried, I was never really one of the boys.
Within a matter of months, I was catapulted from the comfort of my all female platoon into a world where I'd have an easier time finding Waldo than female leadership. My unit, HQBtry 10th Marines had women, but we were scattered between motor t, comm, and admin.
I checked into my first duty station and was shocked to see how few women Marines there were. Boot Camp and MOS Marine Corps Service Support (MCSSS), now called Marine Corps Combat Service Support School, had lulled me into a false sense of security. I worked in admin with other women, but like many military women, we regarded each other with suspicion. Gender wasn't enough to bind us. Some women were cool, but there were some who I would have been hard-pressed to hang with even if we were stranded alone on a desert island.
Although at times it felt like a betrayal, I felt like I had to choose. I justified my decision by telling myself there was safety in numbers and except for the rare occasion, I'd mostly be in the company of males. I need to learn how to be one of the boys. Better to have them on my side. Here's the thing though, that was a fallacy because as hard as I tried, I was never really one of the boys.
Within a matter of months, I was catapulted from the comfort of my all female platoon into a world where I'd have an easier time finding Waldo than female leadership. My unit, HQBtry 10th Marines had women, but we were scattered between motor t, comm, and admin.
Although I had been in the Marines less than 6 months, I soon understood many male Marines regarded women in general, not just the crappy performing ones, as substandard and unworthy to wear to the uniform. I'd began to grow accustomed to femininity being a punchline or an insult. It didn't matter how well we did on PT or how may working parties we volunteered for, the message was clear. Side note, not all military men felt that way but those that did wore their disdain proudly.
There was also the other type of male Marine. The ones that professed to hold women in high regard, but viewed women as fragile creatures needing their protection. I suspect this was the thinking of the Marine who, while serving on a working party with me, picked me up and moved me like a piece of furniture because he thought the item being unloaded was too heavy for me.
There was also the other type of male Marine. The ones that professed to hold women in high regard, but viewed women as fragile creatures needing their protection. I suspect this was the thinking of the Marine who, while serving on a working party with me, picked me up and moved me like a piece of furniture because he thought the item being unloaded was too heavy for me.
As humiliating as that was that paled in comparison the male Marines who assumed every bad mood was attributable to that time of the month or the ones who weaponized femininity with lovely statements like, "Stop being a p****! Or the ones who tried to trade sexual favors for privileges and then turned around and accused women of using sex to get ahead.
Over time I absorbed and reflected that disdain. My limited encounters with military women whose behaviors were an embarrassment to the military and themselves became my justifiable rationale for being catty and petty with my fellow military women. I resented military women who I felt were not pulling their own weight and blamed them for the disrespect shown to them by military men. I not only accepted the male Marine’s stilted view of women, but I also allowed their definitions of woman Marines to become my own.
Forming relationships with other women was a gamble. It felt like in order to be accepted I had to distance myself from other women. I also passed judgment, laughed, made fun of and even shunned women who I felt were tarnishing the reputation of other military women. In retrospect, I realize a lot of the way I treated other women was more about me than them. I was worried that their behavior would make my life more difficult. I managed to carve out some friendships with Marine women, but they lasted only as long as their rotations.
To be honest, I also rejected other women because I craved camaraderie. It's hard being in the minority and it's hard being excluded because of your gender. In the Marines, I felt I had to go along to get along. It reminded me a bit of the movie Mean Girls. Picking on other women meant I was less likely to get targeted.
Am I My Sister's Keeper?
The answer to the question, "Am I my sister's keeper?" is a complicated one. On the one hand, while I recognize the challenges of being a military woman I can't and won't co-sign some of the behavior I've seen from my sisters. On the other hand, it's not my personal responsibility to call out other women's bad behavior. Unless of course, they are under my command. But even in those instances, we can treat each other with kindness. Kindness isn't the same as co-signing.
As I look back, I realize how ridiculous my contempt for my fellow military women was. It was also patently unfair. Let's face it, I knew male Marines who took the softer easier way out. I've seen male Marines parlay their relationships into cushy assignments. I've seen male Marines look the other way when their brothers in arms screwed up. Yet, no one considers a single male Marine as the benchmark for all the others.
As I look back, I realize how ridiculous my contempt for my fellow military women was. It was also patently unfair. Let's face it, I knew male Marines who took the softer easier way out. I've seen male Marines parlay their relationships into cushy assignments. I've seen male Marines look the other way when their brothers in arms screwed up. Yet, no one considers a single male Marine as the benchmark for all the others.
I'm not going to get all Kumbaya on you, but let's face it military women have enough to deal with without shredding each other. I'm not saying we should give bad behavior and/or craziness a pass, I'm merely suggesting we approach each other with tact and not engage in dog pilling. I once heard someone say, "You praise in public, you criticize in private." Okay, so private is a relative term in the military but ask yourself do you find a public ass chewing inspiring or angering?
Calling BS...
During my time in the Marines, I found myself simultaneously embracing and rejecting my femininity. To be a woman in the Marines meant constantly being accused of falling short. It meant that when you did get ahead some people assumed you did it on your back. It meant living life under a microscope.
It took me a while to understand that being a military woman didn't mean I had to check my brain or my bra at the door. I didn't t consider myself a girly-girl but I was definitely not a Tom Boy. I held my own physically, but like Flo Jo, I didn't hide the fact that I was a woman. I wore lipstick in uniform and high heels when I was in civvies. For better or worse I clung tightly to my femininity not to prove a point, but because it was as much a part of me as my skin color.
Once I got in trouble for wearing lipstick in uniform. Granted bright red lipstick was a poor choice. Asides from the fact that it did not compliment my complexion, I was wearing it during a combat deployment. Naïveté aside I now understand my makeup choice for what it was, an attempt to cling to femininity while serving in a predominately male environment.
It took me a while to understand that being a military woman didn't mean I had to check my brain or my bra at the door. I didn't t consider myself a girly-girl but I was definitely not a Tom Boy. I held my own physically, but like Flo Jo, I didn't hide the fact that I was a woman. I wore lipstick in uniform and high heels when I was in civvies. For better or worse I clung tightly to my femininity not to prove a point, but because it was as much a part of me as my skin color.
Over time I began to realize there is more than one kind of military women. I met women who were on the other end of the spectrum. They wouldn't be caught dead in lipstick and a pair of pumps. I knew several women who preferred the gym to the hair salon. Most women fell somewhere in the middle. I've heard the argument made that women on both sides of the femininity scale are somehow an embarrassment to military women. I've heard that military men don't take ultra-feminine women seriously. I've also heard that they make fun of women who aren't considered feminine enough.
I call BS on the whole thing. As long as we do our jobs and stay within regs what difference does it make how we express our femininity? There is more than one kind of military woman including Ultra-Feminine, Bad Ass, PT Stud, Wife, Mother, etc. I've encountered military women who were beauty contestants and bodybuilders. They were outstanding leaders and kick ass Marines. Our ability to do our job isn't dependent on our level of femininity any more than their ability to their jobs is dependent on their ability to check all the manhood boxes. We earned our title the same as them.
#ThisIsMe #SHE #NotWhatYouThink
This is a great video:
Advice for Female Marines - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_PrS0naiOg
This is video shows why leadership matters:
Keep Pushing | Forging the Next Generation of Female Marines - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lZpnB63N2U
Best advice: Be yourself. Do your best. #KeepPushing
Here's are a couple more interesting videos:
Do Military Men Get More Appreciation Than Women? – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMFKSPPUtNo
DISCLAIMER: The psychologist in me wants to point out that video is not a scientific study. The difference in rank and ethnicity might have been a factor in the way they were received. Still, it’s nice to see people taking the time to acknowledge a woman Marine and commend her on her service.
Data sources for military demographics:
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